Beetle

Beetles are Satan’s ejaculatory fluid. They are black and terrifying, and teenage girls deafen their town of residency whenever one approaches them. They have legs and they have a demon helmet for a face. They can fly around, making them waking nightmares. Beetles can be made into juice, according to Hollywood, but only daft punk,…

Shrimp

Shrimp are miniature food specimen that exist in water. They drink their environment and use it to breathe the same. Shrimps are what cocky 70’s style bullies called the intelligent people in the sacred halls of high school. They have caviar for eyes, and they stole ant’s ideas and grew antennas. Shrimp are not eaten…

Gargoyle

Gargoyles are stone creatures that watch over the city like men in trenchcoats watch over the children from alleyways or spy cameras. Gargoyle is Spanish for “City Stalker”. Gargoyles weigh about one statue, and live on tall, ancient buildings that constantly get penetrated by ghostbusters with a dog and a mysterious device in hopes of…

Stingray

One creature I know of is the famous Stingray, who swims very carelessly every day. Into the rocks of the reef or the jaws of the shark, but when threatened unleash a terrible shock. Not a shock, I should say, it is more like a sting, that when blown onto sea life they begin to…

Racoon

Racoons are trash-picking rodents that have depressing barbershop poles for butts. Raccoons weigh about one heavy cat and are about one run-over cat long. Raccoons are known to steal trash from the Oscar people, causing all of them to starve to death, except one. That Oscar was rescued by Jim Henson and used in his…

Panther

Panthers are black, or as televisions call it, pink. Panthers lurk in the night, invisible to their unsuspecting prey. They can’t go to the nail salon because they go in there ready for a nice mani, then they suddenly get a stomach full of lady, a name Metal Jingle soon hitting stores in the Metal…

Baboon

Baboons are nudist moneys that inspired Miley Cyrus’s Mega Evolution that will not revert to normal for reasons that would make the Pokemon Professor hand in his lab coat and resign from his field. This Mega Evolution is known as the Twerk Stage, and Miley has been in this phase since she was exposed to…

Rabbit

Rabbits are eared creatures that scamper about in the fields and the like. Rabbits eat carrots, which is the story line for the Animated pseudo-adult film Sausage Party. Rabbits have long feets they use to spring about on plains and bounce on toddler’s heads. Rabbits are rad bits of molecular composition that are compiled in…

Ferret

Ferrets are small, tubelike rats that breathe O2, much like most humans. Humans who don’t are dead. Ferrets make excellent pets for small children, teenage humans and the like. When handed a ferret, teenager females jump with jolly at the sight of the small rodent. Many a human enjoys putting these small creatures into hats,…

Meerkat

Meerkats are not as mere as the name suggests. Meerkats reproduce like all animals do, but when the female poops out a young-ling, she becomes the queen of the pack. When another female tries to one-up the queen by birthing out a child, desperate for attention, the queen murders that recent mother and abducts her…

Moon

The moon is a buttcheek that floats around in space. The moon is responsible for werewolves and vampires, but has also informed nature-bound humanities when it is bedtime. The moon has had some visitors, though many tin-foil hat conspiracy theorists believe otherwise. Kim Jong Un was going to go to the moon for vacation, until he…

Ant

Ants are bat feces with legs. Ants weigh about one human soul and are smaller than Megadeth’s popularity. Though that was a sick burn, it was not as powerful a burn as one of the bite of the Fire Ant. These ants are red, but not actually on fire. They are red maggots that crawl…