Mannequin

Mannequins are lifeless human decoys designed by the Government to prevent job creation. Mannequins are ruled by the only living mannequin, a Slender mannequin named Slenderman. Oh, now I get it! Mannequins have prevented about 176,000,000 awful jobs from being made to pay disgusting humans to help them deal with absurd financial anomalies like “mortgages”…

Call of Duty Gaming Community

There are many types of game-enveloped individuals; the Calm and enjoyable Pokemon community, the fun-loving, creative Dark Souls community, the satanic, incomprehensible Super Monkey Ball community. But there is one franchise of gaming that has birthed a swollen spawn from the earthy uterus of broken humanity. The Call of Duty gaming community. This community has…

Squirrel

Squirrels are tree testicle harvesters that climb about in those they have castrated. Squirrels are the size of a stapler in an underfunded school that use them to staple detached limbs onto students, due to the lack of a landmine removal fund. Squirrels have tails that Bob Ross plucks off of the hind quarters of…

Beetle

Beetles are Satan’s ejaculatory fluid. They are black and terrifying, and teenage girls deafen their town of residency whenever one approaches them. They have legs and they have a demon helmet for a face. They can fly around, making them waking nightmares. Beetles can be made into juice, according to Hollywood, but only daft punk,…

Shrimp

Shrimp are miniature food specimen that exist in water. They drink their environment and use it to breathe the same. Shrimps are what cocky 70’s style bullies called the intelligent people in the sacred halls of high school. They have caviar for eyes, and they stole ant’s ideas and grew antennas. Shrimp are not eaten…

Gargoyle

Gargoyles are stone creatures that watch over the city like men in trenchcoats watch over the children from alleyways or spy cameras. Gargoyle is Spanish for “City Stalker”. Gargoyles weigh about one statue, and live on tall, ancient buildings that constantly get penetrated by ghostbusters with a dog and a mysterious device in hopes of…

Stingray

One creature I know of is the famous Stingray, who swims very carelessly every day. Into the rocks of the reef or the jaws of the shark, but when threatened unleash a terrible shock. Not a shock, I should say, it is more like a sting, that when blown onto sea life they begin to…

Racoon

Racoons are trash-picking rodents that have depressing barbershop poles for butts. Raccoons weigh about one heavy cat and are about one run-over cat long. Raccoons are known to steal trash from the Oscar people, causing all of them to starve to death, except one. That Oscar was rescued by Jim Henson and used in his…

Panther

Panthers are black, or as televisions call it, pink. Panthers lurk in the night, invisible to their unsuspecting prey. They can’t go to the nail salon because they go in there ready for a nice mani, then they suddenly get a stomach full of lady, a name Metal Jingle soon hitting stores in the Metal…

Baboon

Baboons are nudist moneys that inspired Miley Cyrus’s Mega Evolution that will not revert to normal for reasons that would make the Pokemon Professor hand in his lab coat and resign from his field. This Mega Evolution is known as the Twerk Stage, and Miley has been in this phase since she was exposed to…

Rabbit

Rabbits are eared creatures that scamper about in the fields and the like. Rabbits eat carrots, which is the story line for the Animated pseudo-adult film Sausage Party. Rabbits have long feets they use to spring about on plains and bounce on toddler’s heads. Rabbits are rad bits of molecular composition that are compiled in…

Ferret

Ferrets are small, tubelike rats that breathe O2, much like most humans. Humans who don’t are dead. Ferrets make excellent pets for small children, teenage humans and the like. When handed a ferret, teenager females jump with jolly at the sight of the small rodent. Many a human enjoys putting these small creatures into hats,…