Vampires are humanoid registered necks offenders that make gothic girls emotionally erect. They live in the 1600’s, but televisions insist they still are in the modern age. With overrated mythical spectacles like Supernatural and the Vampire Diaries, the vampire name is taken lightly and is openly mocked by Hollywood and its contributing actors. Vampires were discovered by Punmaster Alfric, the comedic town wizard of Izalgrorbe, West Virginia. Unfortunately, thanks to the Izalgrobation Probation, that town no longer exists, and the town was territorially distributed throughout its surrounding cities and towns. People would wake up feeling ill with holes in their necks, much similar to the holes in the necks of batman’s parents. They would eventually become sluggish, and desire to drink people, and not in the 2 Girls, 1 Cup fashion. Vampires are like zombies. When a vampire bites a human, they become a vampire, but it’s not dragged through hours of antagonizing footage to show one person cared by many turn into an undead, cough Walking Dead, cough. However, unlike a zombie, you can’t give it any bread without it having an allergic reaction terrible enough to sneeze someone to dust. Vampires are all white, but let’s not make this a race issue. The only race issue vampires have is that they are unable to do marathons, given the sun transforms them into grey sand, or as they say, dust. When runners inform other runner to eat their dust, they are residually filling their gullets with disintegrated mutant human. Though vampires are extinct since 1997, humans still believe they walk the earth. This belief also applies to Elvis Presley, Glen, Blockbusters, Leonard Nimoy and the conspiracist like.