I know what you’re thinking. “Jerrell, you oven-tossed soda bottle! It’s not Friday yet, you post-happy environmentalist!” To that I say, it matters not, given we have recently discovered a new creature that must be discussed.
Stuffle is a creature, or as Japan calls it a Pokemon, that lives in the Cult Classic video game, Pokemon Moon. It is a stuffed bear species that lives and walks among us. However, these sentient bears do not get drunk at parties with Mark Wahlberg and vomit on prostitutes. Stuffles do not like fire, given they become cotton candy when exposed to it. They have a cry that more beautiful than Mark Wahlberg shirtless, and an attack sense like a clumsy grandma. They trip more than 90’s kids on acid, and they’re more stuffed than Ghandi’s Thanksgiving turkey, although his family was upset that he stuck with the dust diet. Speaking of Ghandi, the discoverer of Stuffle was a person. However, this person was not an Indian living skeleton, it was Mark Wahlberg. Sure, we all think it was the creator of Pokemon, but that’s more of a lie than “No, really! Ghostbusters 2016 is going to be great!”. The real creator of Pokemon was a man called Marcus Elenor Westerfield, a British Foxhunting chief that decided to snort an ounce of Cocesdiuanna, a medieval combination of Cocaine, Marijuana and LSD. When he did, he applied for a job at GameFreak, and they hired him back in 1989 for having a bashful attitude and “His white moustache and colorful attitude promised good times for all. Unfortunately, his cocaine moustache dissolved into a dusty cloud, and entered his teeth, killing him. Then a young man named Satoshi Tajiri took credit for the creation of Pokemon, and secretly dedicated the creator of all pokemon to Marcus by naming it after his initials.
Stuffles are found in the Alola region of the pokemon franchise. Hawaii wanted to sue GameFreak for their infringement of culture. Then, their military chieftain didn’t want Hawaii to get Nagasaki’d, so they backed off. Stuffles love everything, except fire, getting fired from a job, firing a vase or people getting fired up for parties or “lit”. Stuffles enjoy being around respectful people. They tend to avoid children, given they throw everything around, tear Stuffles into pieces and make their parents question the integrity of their marriage. Stuffles are as filled with cotton as a prostitute’s inner sanctum is filled with diseased and insignificantly sized man thermoses. The pokemon inspired a show called Stuffles is the New Ted, a melodrama, 24-hour lesbian prison riot/orgy that disgusting and overrated. Wait… sorry, wrong show. Stuffles is the New Ted is a political show that discusses the intricate differences between Ted and Stuffles. Since GameFreak doesn’t want kids to watch it, they hid it on a channel nobody in their right mind would dare indulge in; C-Span. Stuffles cannot go to hospitals, given veterinarians would be all like:
“Doctor, doctor! This animal needs medical attention,” says the redheaded nurse.
“What’s the situation?” the doctor asks in a voice you wish you could have coitus with.
“He’s losing a lot of white blood cells.” says the nurse as she uncovers the sheet with the dying Stuffle.
“Wait a minute.. you’re pulling my leg!”
The staff of the Vet pour into the operation room with an Ice Cream cake as they sing happy birthday to the doctor. The staff then ingests frozen cake into their ingestion hatches as they talk of sports and home cooking as an innocent Stuffle finally reaches for a holy slice of cake, which he later consumes….
…with a dusty fork.
Species – Stuffle
Nickname – GottheStuff?
Time of Death – 9;43 a.m. November 20, 2016
Cause of Death – Doctor’s birth