Squirrels are tree testicle harvesters that climb about in those they have castrated. Squirrels are the size of a stapler in an underfunded school that use them to staple detached limbs onto students, due to the lack of a landmine removal fund. Squirrels have tails that Bob Ross plucks off of the hind quarters of the innocent creatures to use as paint brushes for his melancholy spreadable colors presentation. Squirrels cannot fly, though science believes that some can. Squirrel’s natural enemy is cats, given cats is an Illuminati-esque acronym for Cult of Assassins Towards Squirrels. Though these creatures are not burned for their assas-sins, they pull an artsy-fartsy cute and innocent game on their domesticator species, the human race. Squirrels have been around since the Mesozoic Era, the time when science decided “Creatures need to be very large.” Squirrels were birthed by biology to serve as dinosaur breakfast. However, this frenzy of sacrificial squirrels had to come to an end. See, the Council of the Galaxy observed the life forms on Earth during this era, and decided that the squirrels were adorable, and created the Galactic Species Conservation Act, which read:
“Any creature deemed worthy by the Galactic Council will remain in its planet’s existence throughout all of time.”
The counselors of the Earth were worried about displeasing the council, so they turned the Earth’s Thermostat to 600,000℉. After a while, the Earth started to feel dehydrated, which made it very thirsty. The Counselors in space then gave the Earth its vast oceans, which we use as building toilets today. After the Earth had it’s hydrating fill, it had to go peepees. So it grew a volcano and attempted to urinate into space. Unfortunately, gravity was being a sassy mother, and the Earth’s molten urine crashed into the planet and destroyed all the dinosaur life. Thankfully, the squirrel population moved into the distant rain forests, and their species laid unharmed.